a theme song...

"Wait a minute, you're going home?  But I thought that you were planning on being a life-long expat.  I thought that you weren't planning to settle down in the US again.  Are you sure you want to go home?  Isn't there somewhere else where you can go and sort through whatever it is you have to sort through?  Or is home the only option?" .... Says my friend in Prague while I was visiting this November.

He continued by stating how he wasn't trying to judge me, he was just wanting to look out for my best interests.  And I believed him.  And I agreed with him.  And I couldn't give him a substantial reason for why I was going home, except that it just felt right.  It felt like the thing to do and the time to do it.  

But I knew that my time in the States, however indefinite, wasn't going to last forever.  My initial plan was to be home for only a few months.  But I soon realized that missing a place wasn't a reason to rush back to it.  I still miss Australia, for instance, but I miss it less than I did when I first left.   Plus, those places I've been living for two years were chapters in my journey that I had completed and didn't quite think I needed to revise.  And so...home was the place to be.  Because from home...you can go anywhere!  

What happened over those seven weeks was something out of a television sitcom.  I had deep and meaningful conversations with friends that I haven't seen in years.  I managed to be home at the right time for some friends.  I was able to share in excitements and help soothe some pain.  I learned of the impact that my absence has had on certain friendships.  And also of how quickly and easily you can pick up and be close with some people again.  I was touched by the fact that I was truly missed.  I spent an enormous amount of quality time with my parents.  I came to define home for myself with a little more clarity.  I spent so much girl time with my best friend that I feel the void of her now.  I came to be really happy for my friend's lives and their happiness, even though I am now even more sad that I'm not always a part of it.  

Being home for that long was so delightful.  But saying goodbye again was ever more excruciating.   

But once I boarded the plane for my next adventure, I plugged my headphones into the airplane seat and heard a song that summed it all up.  I must have listened to that song 3 or 4 more times on that first flight before boarding my second flight and notating the lyrics.  If I could rewind the clock, this is what I would have liked to have said to my friend in Prague.

 I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

 Well I'm going home
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old. 
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

 ~Home~by Daughtry

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