if only...

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment, and in retrospection." Anais Nin

I don't like the idea of living with regrets.  I prefer to live in the present and do all that I can to reconcile any potential regrets before they manifest themselves.  However, in the last several months I have had to learn the hard lesson that sometimes life must include regrets.  You simply cannot get everything done when you want it to be done and it's necessary to admit that you just aren't always perfect.  People make mistakes and poor choices and regardless of how much you try to adjust your attitude in the hopes of avoiding 'regret', there are times you simply must accept defeat.  Not that regrets need to be taken as a failure, instead I think it's healthy and wise to consider regrets just another source of growth.  A moment when you are mature enough to look back on your actions, words, or motivations and realize that if you had it to do all over again you would in fact do it differently.  That declaration, I believe, is the proof that you are objective, grown, wise, & humble.  We cannot all be perfect at all times and regret should not be a source of failure in our eyes.  

Today I share some regrets as well as some wishes.  Today I explore visions of how life could have and maybe will be different in the future.  I share hopes and expectations and allow my imagination to get carried away....

If only...

• I had moved to Krabi and helped open that hotel!  I would have made and saved some money & many of immediate stressors would have been eliminated.  And boy I would have had a nice tan!
  
• I hadn't lost my job in America!  It's possible that I would still be sitting in that cubicle writing to you about how much I hate my life!
• I had gone to Siberia!  Can you imagine the tales I would have to share!!!
• I could speak Czech!  Then I might find more and more interesting details about these people!  And I would certainly be much less frustrated at times!
• I hand't met my ex-boyfriend!  Wow...I don't think I would like that actually...I learned so much from the relationship.  However, I would have been spared some pain!  Pain or no pain...it was worth it...just interesting to imagine if I had never had it!
• I had decided to get my TEFL certificate in Barcelona and not Prague!  My entire path overseas would look different.  It's funny how things work out sometimes!
• I had given a two week notice at the club in Ohio!  Then I wouldn't have been kicked out when I returned home!  But...that still makes a great story!  No regrets!
• I could talk to my daddy on the phone!  I would love to share so many interesting details of my life with him.
  
• there were more hours in the day!  I could get so much more done and have so much more fun! (That's a scary thought actually!)
• I had a boy to cuddle with tonight!  I would love to rest my head on someone's chest and have them tell me goodnight!
• there was snow on the ground!  It would feel so much more like winter and I could have that six year old feeling back again!
• I had never started smoking!  Then I wouldn't have this inevitable struggle ahead of me of having to quit!
• I didn't like wine and beer so much!  Wouldn't I be much healthier? Hmmm....on second thought, maybe I wouldn't!  (Let's go with that one!)
• I hadn't given up dancing!  Gosh...who knows what my life would have become then?!
• I had never moved back to Ohio after graduation!  There are so many wonderful memories and fantastic friends I would have never made!
• I had continued drinking liquor!  I know for certain I would have become a really ugly alcoholic!  Let's just continue with beer and wine!
• I hadn't lied to myself last winter!  I would have acted differently and treated some people better...but you just can't change the past!
• I had longer hair!  I just dream of it being longer and longer!
• I hadn't fallen off that jungle gym in second grade!  My front tooth wouldn't be made of glass then!
• my parents hadn't stayed married my whole life!  I would have hated for them to have divorced...but it's intriguing to wonder what the effects would have been on my family.  Thanks Mom & Dad for not making this situation even a possibility!
• I could see my niece and nephew more often!  I adore those two and wish I could watch them grow up more closely!!
• I could read faster!  There are so many books that I want to read and yet it takes me ages to get through each one!!
• I hadn't met Brian!  I wouldn't be living in this wonderful flat and have such fantastic friends!  In fact...
• I hadn't met Erin, who introduced me to Brian!  The chain of events continuously amazes me!
• I could fly!  There are just so many places I want to see with my own eyes & just not enough money to fly there on planes!
• I wasn't so hungry!  I could sit and write more and more of these...but my stomach just won't allow me to ignore it anymore! 
  

And finally....If only I could think of some witty way to end this blog!  My advice...try this yourself as it is quite entertaining and cleansing and fun when you start doing it!

Oh yea...one more thing...

If only you would share some of your "If only's" with me!   

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